Crushtor's Guide to Annoying Everyone You Know on Facebook, Part II

Tom Valcanis

8 August 2009

Only the chart is doin it rite

If there's a second-string guide to casually stirring that barely noticeable irritation that you feel every time you see something you irrationally yet unashamedly dislike on Facebook, this would be it. If hell seems like sharing this planet with other people, then Facebook is where those people project themselves digitally; together with all their bullshit tendencies that annoy the fuck out of you.

Worst Photos Taken with Ugliest Camera

First off, apologies to the closest thing we have to Oscar Wilde with a WACOM tablet, Mr. C. Onstad, for the appropration of his witticism. If you are unattractive, then you have no place on Facebook. At all. Please do not disgrace it with photos of your grotesque person, you are not suited for having images of yourself for consumption on any medium that can broadcast itself to more than three people simultaneously. The test: If you tend to smile and your face still appears rude to most others, then you just know.

Smug RSVP Regrets

OK. The event function on Facebook can often be a convenient tool for informing friends and potential business contacts about functions, parties and often times, "meta-events" such as "Hugs for Slurpees" day which makes next to little sense to me. However, the potential for RSVP abuse runs rife; selecting "Maybe" tends to result in a "No" (admittedly I have elected - once - to go to an event I said I'd "maybe" show up to out of possibly scores or even hundreds) and "No" requires a believable and perfunctory excuse - one that reflects a genuine-sounding lament for your non-attendance while aggrandizing oneself at the same time. "Oh sorry," most people write, "i'll be overseas." Yes, of course you are. Because your shitty travelogues and awkwardly framed pictures of downtown Stuttgart aren't reminder enough of your woefully generic adventures.

Complaining "to" Facebook about Facebook

I'm sure many users on Facebook are seldom satisfied with the layout of Facebook; any opportunity to complain about something using the service about the service will be seized more quickly than FREE MONEY NOW!!11 or WORK FROM HOME? EARN $92 AN HR!!! - likewise these users are terribly concerned for their privacy, fearing that monetization means the wholesale pillage of their credit card details and porn fetishes, all sinisterly uploaded to a waiting cabal of Indian data-entry operators that have little regard for calling you about a "free prize" just as you were about to tuck into a hearty bowl of Mac & Cheese.
Complaining about Facebook in the vain hope that Facebook (in this instance, the admins and mods of the service, not the seemingly self-aware robot that we thought operated the site) will somehow take heed and whimsically repair such gross crimes against intuitive web design for them is like the internet equivalent of saying "Get your stinking government hands off my Medicare!!!" Irony, unconsciously uttered on the internet? That's unpossible. Is Joseph Heller still alive? Someone should tell him about this, probably.

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I should really blog about something I'm doing at some point. Oh well.

Tom Valcanis

30 July 2009

Into Hell?

Tom Valcanis

30 July 2009

I've figured that American TV reminds me of Twitter. Twitter, as most people that are half-way web savvy would be familiar with is the name of a micro-blogging service that some people regard as useless, has too much content to digest at any one time and seldom carries any meaningful discourse across its spontaneously fabricated space and time.*

Watching American TV, as a whole entity in its environment, doesn't seem to want to inform or even entertain as a passive medium or metaphor, but to act as a constant conversation with its audience, the language of which can be picked up by virtually anyone; even a "foreigner" such as myself.

Insofar that television shows are like Twitter, shows - be it sitcom, reality or drama - are like short bursts of narrative broken up by advertising, much like Twitter (if you've ever followed bots or marketing "gurus" you'll know what I mean.) Shows are sometimes also forced to extend the conversation to other mediums, such as the internet - the show itself does not wish to cease talking; however it cannot talk to its audience in a vacuum, obviously. Much like a ubiquitous bit.ly link, more conversation can be elicited elsewhere, at the discretion of the viewer. Having "special guests" from other TV programs, films, popular culture or music, etc. can be likened to the original "RT" or "follow friday"; promoting oneself vicariously through the pull-factor of a more popular trend or conversation.

Of course, the more popular a show/tweeter is, the likelihood of your participation in the conversation decreases dramatically. Having that said, the relationship doesn't have to be reciprocal; it just has to exist. When Television was first encountered by publics at large, it was handily branded as vacuous or useless. Now we cannot imagine living without it. Perhaps Facebook et. al. shall become just as indispensable as time wears on?

*Look for reference to "thanksgiving dinner"

Tom Valcanis

17 July 2009

Calling America (Awesome)

Tom Valcanis

17 July 2009

I've only spent about three days in the States so far, but it feels like weeks. Its like being at home almost but the food tastes about ten times better (yet about 100 times worse for you) and things, at least on the surface, appear to be awesome. Take Wal-Mart for instance. Its analogous to a massive amalgamation of a Big W, Safeway and Dick Smith Electronics under one roof, and every product sold seems to be about 60% of what I would pay back home. All perfectly well and good, except Elyse is telling me its completely evil.

But what isn't evil is the wide spaces in the car parks. Seriously Australia. Get your fucking act together in the parking spaces department. Opening a door 10cm to get out is not fucking acceptable!!!

Once I get my fucking luggage back (if it ever comes back) its possible my rage will have subsided enough to update with something substantial. Oh, and pictures of me and Rich Ward at the Aerosmith/ZZ Top concert. Who seriously, is the most awesome, nicest guy on the face of the Earth. They should put that in his Wikipedia page. Because it's god damn true. I love you, Rich Ward. Seriously. Please be my new BFF.