I remember when I got help. It was this time in 2009. I returned home from the United States without any money to my name, no job, no prospects and seemingly, no future. The script I’d written myself had run out of pages. I simply had no compulsion to write anything more.
The usual cliché is that depression is that of the “black dog;” – to me, a black dog conjures an image of "man’s best friend" colored a dark shade. The black dog, at least to me, has no snarl and has no bite – it is not a Cerberus that stalks your waking hours. To me, depression lies at the core of one’s very soul. It felt as if there was a wounded being inside of me, screaming and writhing in agony, scratching at my eyes to escape. But it knew as well as me that once it had claimed its freedom, the harsh light of day would cause it to expire.
Thus lies in the paradox of this illness – it’s not a disease of the brain; it’s a syndrome of the mind. Once someone feels so inured with depression, the world turns gray. Once embedded within every thought and every inference, depression is your way of life. You remain convinced that this is the only way; you cannot remember how it was before or even if there was a before. Even your memories are tinctured with sadness and loss. Bright moments are dulled; duller moments are simply charred away and taste like ash in your mouth.
You can lie for hours on the couch and let images and sounds flash by. But you take nothing in. Agony rings hollow. You can surround yourself with loved ones and feel that their concern is merely cloying and insincere. Their touches feel like sharp, icy scratches across your skin. A negation swirls around inside and people feel at unease – it’s almost as if they can sense your void of life energy and shy from it lest it snatches their own from under them.
So today is “R U OK?” day, where we are encouraged to ask our friends and loved ones if they are feeling well of mind. Perhaps some of them will confuse process with content and provide a lengthy, immaterial list of gripes that has nothing to do with their own state of mind. To me, when I was lying prone and waiting for an ending, I didn’t want someone to ask me if I was okay. What I felt I needed is for someone to say I was okay – as a worthwhile person. The question, R U OK? should be met with the most precious answer that springs direct from the well of the mind and body – “yes, I am.” It should be felt with the wholeness of your being and expressed with the spark of life renewed. The hard task is this – once you feel you are not, one must labor, struggle and build a feeling that yes – you are. In time, you’ll realize we all are and we all can be.
Together, we can write pages anew in the books of our lives.
