Bulwark Against Desolation

Most of the night, I stare at my ceiling. The indigo darkness crushes against me as I take another breath. My eyes can roll back into the back of my head but can they push my thoughts even further away? I wait, I wait, I wait. There's another familiar tick of the clock. More waiting. Then I realize; the wait is over, I have nothing left to wait for.

I shift about, looking from side to side watching only darkness creep by. There's no siren responding to the call of emergency any more, there's just a numbing silence. There's no murmur of slumbering companions in any direction. As the break of day sweeps away the night, a glow shines through my blinds. I've seen this sunrise before, but somehow it seems unfamiliar. I twist myself upright, moments away from collapse.

I can see that sunrise elsewhere, hitting a thicket of trees as their shadows lengthen in the sun. It felt like my last day on earth, again - my last day on an earth that I had a hand in creating and destroying all at once. I shake my head. Don't worry son, my father would say. Just don't worry about it. I'd nod in agreement, usually. Speeding through this defeat can't kill me. On the other hand, if it does, I just might let it.

I swallow a bulwark against desolation and wait for it to calm the tempest and storm. The swell subsides, the screams extinguish. In giving up a wound, I slip into stupor. I walk across thorns, I fall to the floor, I play my favorite record. They all end up wretched and blinding; barely there. Just like me.

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http://twitter.com/crushtor

A New Plan

The past month I've kind of been flat. Some might say I've been like that for the past two or three and they'd be right. I haven't been thinking correctly and I've let personal relationships slide and decay - including the most important one of my entire life.

So I got myself thinking. I need to change myself. I need to become better; not only for myself but for the ones I love. They might say this change has come too late, but I figure its better late than never. I have hurt the one I love by staying the same and becoming worse; by doing that I have hurt myself and I must carry those thoughts with me, every day.

So, I formulated a list in my head which I will commit to paper (or in this case, my blog.) I'm going carry it around in my wallet, as well as a small notebook/journal (which I have been doing) to track my progress. Here's the major themes:

1. I will not sleep past a double-digit hour for any reason (i.e, oversleep constantly.)
2. If I do not have something productive to do, I will find something that is or try to help someone else.
3. I will write 1000w a day (for a purpose), minimum. If I am a freelance journalist, I must write every day.
4. I will exercise for at least 30min a day. If I'm busy, I will endeavor to find the time to do it.
5. If I/we encounter a problem, I will write it down. Then underneath, I/we will write out possible solutions and try them out until one is found. We will render them "non-lethal" and confront them.
6. I will be more attentive in what people say. If I find myself struggling to remember or think I am misinterpreting them, I will also write down key points in my notebook to get a grasp on it and repeat it back to them.
7. Make concrete decisions after careful consideration. Once I/we have made up my/our minds, I will do whatever we have set our minds to. I will help plan the course of action, reach an agreement on what goals to achieve and endeavor to meet them.
8. Not to give up. There are some things in life that can be supremely difficult to navigate and face. But it’s important to realize that even small changes can remedy situations. Every little bit of help counts.
9. Grow myself in knowledge, to be more accepting and to be more loving and caring for the benefit of others.
10. Stop talking about change; go out, do it and continue to every day.

I'm confident that these small changes will yield great results. Wish me luck.

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http://twitter.com/crushtor

In Heavy Consternation

There's no internship to work as a freelance journalist. You don't go to a "somewhere", train yourself and go do it. (Perhaps there is; I'd sure like to know about it.) Sure, you can do a university degree in journalism but that doesn't 'qualify' you, so to speak. Like any profession, you learn on the job. The job for me as a freelance copywriter/journo/PR dude is the job (or jobs) you push yourself to get. I've been writing since I was in high school. It didn't dawn on me that writing as a job was a viable option until about the fourth year of my three year university degree. I never thought doing something I enjoyed could actually earn some money. Well, it doesn't. The economy's rooted and so am I. To a certain extent.

But just like riding bicycles and sexy time, things get easier with practice. The more you venture out from your comfort zone, the more hardships you will find and the more rewarding the pay off. The vocation I have chosen for myself will not make me any significant amount of money for a while. I know that. I won't be driving Beemers or drinking G&Ts in penthouse apartments. (Because that's gay.) I'm still in my "internship" - writing for free until I gain a name for myself. I have contacts, I have drive, I have ambition and I have knowhow but not enough clout for subs to rush to their editors and exclaim, "I have Tom Valcanis on the phone! He wants to another piece about how much Facebook sucks!" Close friends and my partner will attest; I'm an egotistical son of a bitch and I hate being rejected. I even get childish about it at times. But as Korzybski, Watzlawick and Ellis have taught me, failure is feedback - try and try again, improving each time.

In my isolation since my return to Australia, I've actually found myself. Being in the US showed me what was important in my life and the lives of a significant other and now I know where I want to be. I have moved past my "grass is greener" mentality; I want to work, I want to improve and I want to be proactive. Getting my arse-kicked the day I took off from Hartsfield-Jackson Airport has left an indeliable indentation on my bum and it will always remind me that there are things bigger than myself that I want to be a part of and have to work towards to be included in again. I've done wrong but I am working to make things right. I believe in second chances and gradual transformation. As one of my favorite authors and philosophers, Robert Anton Wilson says; "I'm not a noun - I'm a verb. I'm always changing, never staying the same from one moment to the next."

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http://twitter.com/crushtor