The Summer of Tom

"My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."

- George Costanza

Good evening, sports fans. I've gone on yet another social media moratorium until the 14th of January (that has now been extended to Formspring and Tumblr.) Why? Well I'll explain.

The last few days have really exposed some behaviors and feelings that I at least feel I need to work on. Getting "hit" by my grandmother's illness and covering up my feelings about how I handle the aftermath from relationships from myself (and consequently others), I feel has contributed to getting myself stuck in a negative groove to start 2011. I'm doing and saying things from a place of neediness and insecurity instead of strength and abundance. 

I feel good that I'm not starting from square one, but I still feel that some areas of my life need shoring up. Some things in life just can't be ideal, all the time. Shit takes work, yo.

I'm spending too much time at home since my employment situation is less than ideal. I'm working on my thesis (slowly) as well as articles for websites I write for. Of course this is unpaid work but work nonetheless. Using Twitter and Facebook is just an excuse to procrastinate and avoid work instead of taking up the challenge of producing good quality copy. If things don't pick up with self-employment, I'll be trying to temp at factories and warehouses instead. It's all about taking care of myself.

Of course taking care of myself means I'll be eating healthier and modifying my exercise regime to be progressively more challenging, preparing me for my belt grading in Sin Moo Hapkido.

Twitter and Facebook has also reinforced an attachment to outcome and keeping an even keel, people-pleasing and trying to appear interesting or intelligent. I sometimes feel like I'm tweeting exclusively just to get a positive response or to gain more followers. What's the point of that?

On the intimate and platonic relationship front, I need to almost start from scratch. Some have slipped considerably, others have had false-starts and many have been declared dead on arrival (for good reasons.) 2011 is a year in which I will re-evaluate who is in my life and who I let into it and why. I haven't taken stock of that for a long while and a social media moratorium is the perfect place to start. 

In the dating scene, I thought I was more "ready" than I'd let on to myself, but of course that was a misnomer. Looking for dates and relationships now after such a slender gap between now the end of a relationship probably isn't a good idea for myself and anyone else. So I've decided to go on a three-month dating and sex moratorium. 

That's right - no sex and no dates for three months.

It sounds a bit extreme - but I have put myself under such conditions before - namely the first half of 2010 (Six months! Can you believe it?) It was a fun and freewheeling time and I learned how to interact with the opposite sex on a flirty level without the added "rating" of one's performance with...well, performances of a horizontal kind. I could also bond with men and develop my masculinity that had been sorely missing in my life as an adolescent and young adult.

The last moratorium was a journey that required great willpower. Yet it built my inner strength so I could take care of myself and approach life in a positive fashion without fear or shame. Being able to say "no" also prepares one to have "no" said to them.

Preferences that become demands are almost never healthy and a moratorium, I feel, will restore that balance.

My blog will be more focused on these issues during the moratoriums (and yes, there will be several more!) and personal development stories as I really push and challenge myself to be the best man I can be - a small glimpse into a journey of a lifetime!

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Furthermore, a special project is in the works that will combine my talents and personal development, details of which will be revealed soon!

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http://twitter.com/crushtor

Embrace the Abundant

On my blog I ask a lot of questions and pose a lot of challenges. Sometimes I lose sight of my own perspective. As an imperfect being that lives in an imperfect world, I sometimes blinker myself to what is really there and it takes the intuition of another to hold a mirror to myself to reveal who I am from one moment to the next.

Recently, I experienced two such occurrences that knocked me on my arse - but now after some intense and raw conversation with my support group brothers and friends, I am grateful for having them.

One experience exposed my folly in believing some things are forever and that I can master all things in my life. I cannot - there are some instances where I must surrender to forces I cannot completely control. These unstoppable events will claim us all and claims the ones we love. We can weep and thrash and curse but it makes no difference.

I hunkered down and insisted it didn't bother me. I could bargain, plead, hate and shout but at the end of the day it doesn't change the reality of the situation. We must make peace with all aspects of our frail, yet beautiful humanity.

Another showed me how far I have yet to travel on my personal journey. Last year gave me the strength to have a good and healthy relationship with a girl that I loved and to end it with love.

But there is grieving and sorrow associated with all partings and like it or not, it deposits itself on one's being. I buried it, disavowing it's existence. I even told myself and others I felt calm when there was really tumult.

Such action can throw up feelings of shame, a disbelief in the abundant and a renewed attachment to outcome. All the conditioned traits of the "old me" I had worked so hard to expunge. Some things require patience and other things must be surrendered; its helpful to distinguish which is worth fighting for.

Initially I felt "Wow, have I really slipped so far? Has my all my learning and all my trials and challenges meant nothing?" I have life affirmations plastered across my wall. I see them when I wake, when I prepare for the day and when I dress myself for bed. Despite their ubiquity in my room, I blithely ignored them. In both instances I was not honest with myself and my integrity was lacking. Dishonesty in oneself almost always translates to dishonesty to all involved.

But like all good students, we learn from mistakes and grow our knowledge for later use and revision. The world had in no uncertain terms told me "No!" (twice!) but I can still take some positives from it.

Even though I persevered, I hit a brick wall. In less than one week, a year's work was unraveled. I wanted to prove I could handle these new challenges - yet the execution was dreadful. But prove to whom? I only seek to prove to myself that I can rise up to life's challenges. I am the only person I have to please. Failure is a part of life (It doesn't make you a "shit" as Dr. Ellis would say) and I can take comfort in at least rising to the occasion.

If I can feel happy, If I can live life to serve my own mission and to love in my own way, I can safely feel that I am on the right track.

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http://twitter.com/crushtor