The Beast That Shouted Love at the Heart of the World

As a child, I kept to myself and I kept everything to myself. For everything I did, there was a lie to cover it up. So accustomed to lying, it rapidly displaced truth. It just became easier that way.

So around this time last year, I resolved thusly: to tell the truth. When I started and continued, I felt relief. I no longer felt a fraud, I no longer felt trapped by my own "bullshit." I was a free man, free from the mental gymnastics required to keep all my lies afloat and free of the guilt of deceiving loved ones and others.

So what happens when I keep things to myself again, I wondered? The past few weeks I've felt flat and frustrated until I explored my feelings within - the causes of which are numerous - and I admitted to myself: I felt angry. Then once the truth was exposed, the anger faded into a feeling of positivity, a feeling of power. Old habits die hard, especially in phases of transition and upheaval.

In this phase of the dating moratorium when I have felt most alone, I have felt an intense want to express my love - sensually and platonically - without an outlet. It's the loving part that feels wounded most of all during the whole integration process of taking one's loneliness and re-framing it as a positive and rewarding solitude.

Throughout childhood and adolescence I found it easier to "not miss anyone" due to a fear of abandonment - but now I am feeling the lack and the sorrow that comes with the foreign concept of "missing" people. I would be lying to say that I do not. A couple of weeks ago, it's possible I could have returned a contrary answer. But now I allow myself to and emerge on the other side as a stronger man.

Thus, the past couple of months have been fueled by a tendency to bullshit myself, yielding varied results. Scarcely a year has passed since the beginning of my personal journey towards manhood and I've learned so much. But twenty-three years of bullshitting oneself is not simply unlearned in less than one. But the challenge is to sustain myself through the bullshit and emerge on the side of truth - and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world.

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http://twitter.com/crushtor

The Urgency of Paradise

Today, I was fortunate enough to sit down with a one-on-one discussion session with President Emeritus of the Australian General Semantics Society, Mr. Laurie Cox. Despite his advanced age (92!) he insists his psycho-social age is merely 40, having "surpassed all the traps of adolescent thinking" with over 57 years of General Semantics training and teaching.

As we sipped coffee and talked, he asked me how I was going professionally and personally. Professionally things weren't great, but I was heading towards completing my thesis half way through the year and thus my master's degree. Personally, I didn't have much to report - though we hit upon sex, interpersonal communication and intimate relationships for a majority of the session. One of his salient points that resonated with me is this; "With all relationships, you mustn't forget the axis of time."

Of course, he referred to axis as that of a graph - that time is crucial in forming lasting, trusting and loving relationships. In our environment, we are sold many things that ought to "save time" otherwise "time is wasted." If it is, the "opportunity will be lost" at that "instant." We work "overtime" and consequently have no "time to spare." But in the realm of relationships, time is not of the essence, but "is" the essence.

"Rushing it" almost never feels as satisfying as "taking it slow" and some predatory "dating coaches" emphasize "speed seduction" and moreover "quick fucking" but not "spending time with someone significant" or "passionate lovemaking." Love and relating to others takes up our time in our thoughts and actions - it's not meant to be kept to a rigorous "timetable." One figuratively must "take the time to take the time." Even if it's "come time" to acquaint yourself with someone new, re-affirm an old friendship or even "find time" to work on oneself with hobbies, projects and other creative pursuits.

I for one viewed time as an enemy while growing up, something I felt I was constantly "short of" - but now I am beginning to view it as one of my most powerful allies.

Laurie in his own life-affirming way knows something about time - and emphasizes that we may have a lot or very little at all; but if the "timing is right" between two (or even more) people, time can invariably bind us all together, with love.

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http://twitter.com/crushtor

Your Own Private Wikileaks

In October 2010, Facebook made available a downloadable zipped archive of your "sensitive information" to any user that wishes to access it. You make a query to the server to prepare your folder and it's available for download within hours. When I finally opened it, I was shocked at what I found.

At 33MB long, it contained all my profile information - past and present - likes, dislikes, comments, posts, photos and videos. Everything I had ever typed into a white field with a blue button marked "Comment" underneath. Interestingly, one can mark the dates of occasions, when significant people entered (and departed) one's life and retrace the origin and evolution of shitty internet memes.

That's all great, but what happens when it gets into the wrong hands?

The package is so convenient, any user that can at least "use" Facebook is able to navigate through it. It's akin to IRC or MSN Messenger chatlogs in that everything written is timestamped and all the links are clickable right from within the (very very) long homepage. If some kind of savvy private investigator or kid with a keylogger nabs your password they can access your complete Facebook record. They'd also need access to your email; but to be honest what kind of stretch is that from getting one's Facebook password? As great the trip down memory lane is, the more chilling it gets as you realize who else might be looking at this information - those we have "authorized" to or not.

Of course, all of this is used to aggregate "targeted ads" with parts of it sold to private corporations. I can't exactly criticize them for their advertising function since I have used it myself. But then again, I've never been privy to the exact information it uses.

Like the tagline of the Social Network suggests, you don't make 500 million friends without making a few enemies and your company most certainly doesn't get a market valuation of $50 billion without selling something. Of course, information is as much of an asset as an abstract financial instrument (like a derivative security - it is essentially ephemeral and may become worthless over time as the market shifts); Facebook will need to figure out new ways of goading new information out of you to keep its targeted advertising relevant. Newspapers and other marketers had to "guess" where trends were heading and who their target demographic was - now the verisimilitude of information that marketers possess to attract potential buyers is phenomenally heightened by Facebook.

So what can people theoretically do with your entire "wall" page, photos and videos? Well, who knows? Assuming you posted whatever you posted for a decent enough reason, you ought to have nothing to fear. Take some comfort if you plan to run for public office; perhaps in the future a "semi-nude Facebook photo" will become the new "I smoked pot but didn't inhale."

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http://twitter.com/crushtor