"Nice guys don't finish last - they rot in middle-management." - Dr. Robert Glover
This was one of the lines in a book I bought about a few days ago. The book is entitled No More Mr. Nice Guy, by the author of that line. I can safely say it has changed my life in such a profound way that I never had thought possible.
I was in a bookstore while a friend of mine was getting her ears pierced. I was actually looking for a copy of The Origin of Species by Charles Darwin, but chanced upon this slim book in the psychology section, perched on the top shelf facing all the others. I read the first few pages and I was stunned - literally stunned. This book, in detail and without too much overgeneralizing, described how had been acting and behaving during my adolescence, young adulthood and through my relationships both intimate and platonic.
It described, with almost overwhelming accuracy, the decline and fall of my most important relationship I have ever experienced with another woman. Everything was there. My unconscious forgetting, my trying to fix things by doing more of the same, my passive-aggression, dumb insolence when confronted with conflict, trying to avoid fights, timidity, unwillingness to lead, getting pissy and moody, threatening to leave, caretaking instead of caring (i.e, doing things for a payoff instead of altruistically) emotional stonewalling and all the rest. It was all there. I could give mental examples this behavior - my behaviors - as I read along - and I was so switched on I read the entire book in about an hour and a half. She lost trust in me because I failed to be the measure of a man that she had expected, that she deserved. I had buried my masculinity for so long, my long held belief that keeping it hidden was a blessing - instead it had turned out to be a black and soul-destroying curse.
Although I didn't have an agenda set in place for 2010, I have one now - it's to stop being a "Nice Guy." Of course, our Aristotelian minds immediately jump to the conclusion that I would become the "opposite" of nice; a complete arsehole. As it turns out, my "niceness" seems only thinly veiled by unconscious anger and spite, which manifests itself in a variety of unpleasant ways. Instead, I plan to become a more integrated, open and honest man and to put my needs first instead of blindly following others and their perceived expectations of me.
So I saw my doctor and we set out a plan, using the book to get myself back on track after so much living through "toxic shame" and attachments that made me fear the world around me. Even though he assured me that technology will continue to make everything better ("We have bionic ears, soon we'll have bionic eyes," he said, reassuringly. "Give it five years and we'll have bionic vaginas...don't tell my wife but I'd be first in line to test one.") I was determined to see this through until the end. Within hours I was following the therapy plan we'd set up, doing the exercises, signing up to the support group online forums and setting up meetings with "safe people" to discuss my progress and help lead me through this journey of self-discovery and personal development.
I can say with all honesty, I have never felt better. I not only see a future, but a great one. I'm going to enjoy 2010 and every year that comes afterward. I don't promise this to anyone except for myself; so let's go!
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Addendum: For anyone interested in the book, I am willing to set up a regular discussion group in the Melbourne, Australia area. The online support forums can be found here.