Seriously. Today, I sat round thinking about how much of a fucking bastard i'd become if I grew old. I'm already angry as hell about pretty much everything. Rae and Nat can pretty much testify to that. I sit around bagging out some new trend or fad that has no obvious worth, a product that does nothing or criticizing almost everything that walks past. If I'm already this angry, and if my anger only intensifies exponentially as I grow old, I'll probably end up as one the meanest motherfucking geriatrics that ever walked the Earth. By that time I'll be in my hoverchair™ that speaks three variants of Ching-lese, Engrish and Hindi (stay tuned for that one, folks.) so how bad could it theoretically be? Probably really shit, knowing my view of the world.
Dust and Neglect
I've embarked on the road to success only to be confronted by obstacles in my path. I've lost all sense of direction, I can't seem to figure out where up goes or if down is where it is supposed to be. I've wiped my mind of fugues of discontent with books and other such written sense, and its transformed me into a saner person. Even though I began to hallucinate the other day - it was unbelievable. I believed that a person that is dead to me now was suddenly living; as if they had never left.
I guess it's a matter of believing myself over my eyes, at any rate. I think there are some ghosts left over in my brain that I need to exorcise. But writing that down won't help me, and doing all the terrible things that I vowed to do can't alleviate the constant imaginary crises I'm experiencing either. When I was sucking down another cigarette the other day with accompanying piece of shit cup of coffee, I thought to myself; "I can't realistically drift forever.
I'll die eventually."
Welcome Back To Here
I think I've finally outgrown my adolescent Live Journal, so I'm transferring everything over to my shiny old Blogspot blog. Just realizing i've had my LJ since 2004 is a bit disheartening; I've gone through two schools, two 'proper' girlfriends, even more flings and hook-ups, countless friends and acquaintances, two pairs of great headphones (alas), three or four jobs, read thousands of pointless words, and thankfully, two regime changes - one more dubious than the other. Hopefully by the end of this year it'll be a different mode of transport, a different place and a career. I want to go to the United States by the end of this year. I will be there. I will be in Washington, D.C. when they tally the votes as they are handed in. I've said all these things a million times before, my own drive to shift inside is giving me the impetus to change. I have changed, in some small ways. I will make this happen. My beliefs tell me so. I don't have to sit back and wait any more - Now my questions regarding life will be more "What are you doing for me?" instead of "What have you done to me?" Sounds empowering. And just a little arrogant. Just a little.